are we okay...

or is the end nearing and im blinded to it?

so frustrated because I can't tell if this is for real.

mad because I don't know how you feel..
Upset because we can't make it right.
Sad because I need you day and night.
Angry because you won't take my apologies.
Aggravated because you think i don't understand.

Disappointed because a promise was broken and not sure if we are still together...

but still I'll love you forever.

for the past month, i have been looking at the positive side of my employment break..
other than not having to wake up to my sickening alarm clock, i appreciated the additional time i get to have with my bf and family.. and dear friends (if i still have any)...I also liked the fact that i can visit the gym in the afternoon without having to fight the crowd for treadmill machines or shower rooms..

as the days of being unemployed grew longer, i got bored of my stupid routine.
i made myself busy.. busy going out with friends, working out at the gym or jogging with my bf, or even studying with him.. there were days that i spent with my parents trying to settle stuff for our new house and decluttering our old nest.
and of course not forgetting going for rounds and rounds of interviews.. but no good news at all..

my motivation and perseverance is deteriorating but i keep telling myself to hold on and that this is just a period that everyone will go through.
my savings is depleting but i keep telling myself that i will just spend less on everything and i will tide through..

i thought of going back to my YP volunteering.. but their timings will always clash with the time i can meet my bf, which i find it hard to compromise.. especially whenever i think of how busy he will be when he starts his new part time job.

But when the financial stress and pressure coming from everyone around me who kept asking me about my employment, my head gets into a whirl..
is it my fault that i get all these repetitive failed interviews?
what's wrong with me? i have above average results which always get me through to them calling me for interviews..
but i seldom get to the 2nd round..
am i not pleasant enough? do i really lack the personality?

rather, i think the problem lies in my presentation..
i don't know what to present to them.
i mean, i don't know what's so good about me that i can present to them and convince them to hire me!
i know i can do a good job, only after they hire me.
how should i convince them that i can do the job??
that is the biggest crux- i have no idea.

i tried not to show my problems and stay jovial around the people i hang out with including my family.
but they know nothing about my thoughts....
maybe ive gotten depressed becos of my depleting savings and the lack of attention from my bf recently..
i blew my top at my bf and my mom just now...
well, it's not exactly my fault that im hopeless..
but i had a sudden outburst of grief when they showed no support for me going for a job interview becos im desperate for a job.

they had no idea how i was feeling..
seeing all viable options evaporating away while i waited around for their response..
then i feel my brain dying.. the malfunction from even making simple daily decisions..
i feel tired everyday yet i can't fall aslp at night..
i get random thoughts running through my mind when i just lay awake in my bed...
like wondering if i had made a wrong decision listening to my parents and resigning without a job..

i thought of sharing my feelings with someone.. but no one is there or available to listen to me..
i tried telling my mom.. but everything i said to her seems like the smallest problem in the world..
i think she's happier if i just stay at home instead.. :(

i tried asking my friends out more often..but they all have their lives to busy with...
i feel so alone....

and who cares?